I want to be a psychopath

Chapter 1: Meet Me

I want to be a psychopath. I have always found myself indifferent since I was five. When my peers were getting into love, drugs, and alcohol, I was finishing my twelfth book about psychology. This could go in one of two ways: I could turn out to be a great psychologist, help people with various mental disorders, and make my mom proud, or I could move on and forget psychology. These are the options for most people, but I chose a path that hadn't been mapped out. I became fascinated by the acts of psychopaths, more specifically murderers. They didn't just want to kill their victims; they wanted to make them suffer. They had many different ways of doing so while exploiting and creating fears. Best of all was their lack of remorse, which made catching them even harder. Of course, those I read about were caught, but they were getting sloppy and cocky. My interest in psychopaths went from interest to obsession, and finally I came to the conclusion: I want to be a psychopath

I am seventeen but look younger and far more innocent to people, especially those around me—my mom, my two sisters, and my brother. I am the youngest, and there is a decade between me and the oldest. I like to keep the image of an innocent "twerp" in case I ever need character witnesses in court. When the sun sets and I am alone in my room, I fall into my "evil persona," whom I call Kay. There is no particular reason for the name; it just felt right.I read that a majority to all psychopaths begun their journeys with ending a life of a small animal so on a beautiful evening with sunny weather I visited the pet store and adopted 5 mice with every intention of killing each and every one of them, I will probably dissect one , pin two against each and poison the winner, maybe boil one but I could not do that during the day so I will have to wait till night , That is when psychopaths are more active anyway so for now I hid them in a cage under my bed for when Kay came,

the family did already have a dog but I felt everyone would notice her disappearance and it would be difficult to dispose of that overgrown mutt afterwards so as they so "Every dog has its day" For the rest of the day, I keep up appearance studying , practicing my paino skills, a friendly chat with my butler...yes...my BUTLER...believe it or not I am actually well-off, my mommy is a multi-millionaire and my daddy is right there with her just a few thousands behind , yes I have no reason to go berserk I don't even get the " my parents only care but money" trope, the parents are always one call away my daddy will drop anything immediately should I ask it and my mom would be just a second behind but still I yearn for actions others can only justify through years of trauma When night finally came Kay takes one mouse of the cage and holds it down against the study table he hesitates for awhile moving his hands around it's neck wanting to squeeze .....his hands trembling

Chapter 2: Meet Travis

think in my last session I mentioned how I live the dream life but chase the nightmare well I think that would make this the perfect time to introduce Travis Milton jnr , my best friend he should run through my door any moment now with a big smile and soccer ball, Travis is the son of our maid, one of 10 or 15 , we have known each other since childhood my mom sponsors his school career maybe out of the goodness of her heart or most likely to ensure I carried a loyal friend wherever I went since primary honestly I'm glad I met him before my soul grew rotten cause I would have considered him not more than a peasant leeching of my family's success but I am not introducing him for sentimental value I'm telling you because I want you to understand why I'll be laughing when he dies.

Honestly, I envy Travis he lives a life that breeds a psychopath, no father, lives in an apartment not that much bigger than my closet, everyday he must watch his dear old mother come scrub the floor of his best friend's house and I have also heard that all the other maids slowly begun to despise his mom because of the favor my mommy has taken of him but I wonder does Travis ever wonder if my mommy is not just buying him, a jester to keep me amused ,I mean if my mommy really took favor to his mom, she has the means to buy them a decent house, send them groceries every month or at least pay her enough to do it herself . Deep down I knew Travis did not feel that way, in all the 12 years I have known him, he has had the same genuine smile on his face accommodated by a certain twinkle in his eyes, you could not fake that trust me I try ,my smile is enough only because I am surrounded by idiots who could not see Evil incarnate before them that is probably why so many of them die .

Travis barges in as always , a soccer ball squeezed between his left forearm and torso while he wraps his right over my shoulder leaning in over it to scan my physics paper " A, newton's third law of motion, B and oh the last one is not in our curriculum anymore but A now let's go play some ball " I ticked off his answers and shut the book I knew he was right but I did not choose those answers just because I trusted his intellect I had actually been reading an extremely dark psychology book and swapped it out when I heard him cheerfully greeting everyone in the hallway plus I did not want the rats drawing his attention ,with his background he probably could recognize rat noises so accepted .I never understood why Travis loved soccer so much cause he always lost our 1 on 1s , at some point I thought my parents paid him to lose to feed my ego but no he played at the same level when we are playing 2s at school ,We're undefeated by the way, no one has ever scored against the ' Twins' .I really do love Travis, his death was really the worst thing to happen to me.

Chapter 3: 1 2 3 4......

When night finally came Kay takes one mouse of the cage and holds it down against the study table, he hesitates for a while he has the mouse squeezed between his palm and the table, his hands trembling, heart pounding, tears slowly filling his eyes , his mouth getting dry and his world spinning he takes a deep breathe " 1....2...3..AND......" nothing he just stood there with a rodent trying to wiggle out from between his hand and desk screeching, but the room was soundproof, nothing out nothing in he tried again and again and again till eventually he picked up the mouse and threw it back into the cage breaking one of its hind legs then throwing the cage across the room.

I woke up the next day with my alarm blasting and a knock at the door, I already knew who it was, one of the maids sent to dress me for school I ought to fight for independence ,nah I'd probably get it as soon as I said the word but honestly I liked having them bend to my every command and I mostly enjoyed the insults I sneak into chats day by day getting bolder by June I will probably be saying the insults directly to their face .Its May by the way. Before opening the door, I managed to pick up my little experiment cage and stuff it in an old gun safe at the time I was 5% sure they'd still get oxygen, luckily, they did or unfortunately ...it's all about perspective.

Honestly the day was uninteresting, a peasant drove me and Travis to school, I think someone called Travis poor, teachers yapped, the car peasant took us back home, my bald father tried bonding with me, but everything blurs until night time when Kay takes out the cage and puts it on the desk, he stared at it for a while watching the panicked rats huddle together on the opposite side but again he could not do it ,...the only thing he could think of but he could not do it .

The next week was a haze for me; I wasn't getting sleep because he would spend the whole night staring at the mice, I even had to get them food, I did not want them to die of hunger, I needed to be the one to do it, I fed them but left one starving mainly cause I thought if I was too innocent to kill it, that part of me would know it would be in more pain in hunger then if I was to just bash it's head in, sure it would be messy but it would be merciful, I would be a hero but no I guess what was stopping him from killing them was not a guilty conscience , it really hurt to know my soul was so quick to rot that I could not even resist the decay So for a week and a half I stayed up reading the works of real psychopaths envious, until one day I heard the most frightening shrill coming from the cage so loud I started to doubt the soundproofing, What I saw would be the catalyst to my ascend into a psychopath, the mouse I had been starving for one and half week ,had bitten into the nape of another pinning it down until it stopped moving while the rest scattered around the small cage, it was eating its own it was BEAUTIFUL.

Insanity Was not limited to humans , it was in nature , it was nature itself in order to survive it had to become a psychopath, it lives only because it was the first to break away from the shackles of sanity because with it's malnourished body it was certainly the weakest in that cage but it knew what had to be down and I Loved it, I named her A , moved her into her own cage this one modeled more pet friendly , twice as big as the other cage and I let do as she wishes but still starved her. I left the carcass in the old cage by the next morning more of it had been eaten but I could not reward followers but I found it interesting that even though I fed them frequently as per their recommended nutrition plan they chose to eat the corpse of their own, did they believe the act of eating their own would grant them salvation same as A? I was curious but unfortunately we were out of time, it has been almost three weeks and honestly the gimmick was getting old and having to clean my room myself so the peasants wouldn't find them was getting on my nerves, so tonight I was finally going to do it.

I am not even sure if I went to school that day probably was too excited or it was the weekend all I remember was my lights flickering on when I drove a scissor through the spine of a mouse, its screams fueling the screams of the rest of the other , I don't even remember what happened to the rest of the mice when I woke up I found them all dead except for A, I remembered a state of pure bliss like I had wrapped myself in a rainbow and stuffed my face with every kind of sugar I could find I cherished the feeling of euphoria while cleaning up but as soon as I disposed of the mice, I felt sick to my stomach vomiting repeatedly till one of the maids came to my aid, I felt disgusting like my own skin was infecting me with an unknown disease what followed was unnecessary details, a whole medical team came to my house, they could not find anything wrong physically and since they could not see into my rotten soul they had to conclude I was stressed out about the upcoming midterm exams.

Chapter 4: I'm sorry

I am ashamed to admit this but for the three months that followed the mice incident, I was a mess , Whenever a room got too quiet I would hear the screams of the mice, sometimes rooms would shrink into the cage and I would be swarmed by large mice , every time I held scissors I felt myself get covered in blood with the mice crawling all over me even inside my skin , I would wake up in cold sweats, vomit on my pillow. And my body shivering, I was not raised religious but I thought of praying but I was afraid that God would smith me because my sins were not like any other seventeen year old while I suffered through this, I tried to keep up appearances with smiles and always keeping my mind distracted but Travis noticed and when he asked me what was happening I wanted to confess, repent and be set free, Travis was Christian I have seen him pray before every test , every meal and every match he ought to be in favor maybe he could speak for me but before all I had a seizure, first of many and because of them details get blurry moving forward

I burned every book I owned even mentioning Physiology just seeing the word made me sick to my stomach, I made a mistake, I took the innocent lives of God's creatures, I tried to repent by donating large sums to multiple pet stores around the city and I remember Travis praying for me multiple times but I never told him what I did and he did not push me but looking back he should have, so many lives would've been saved, maybe his too , of course I would not see heaven but I could have stopped at the mice, I could have plead for a moment of insanity.

My seizures were horrible and I remembered every second of each of them I even kept a notebook describing them and even named them A to Z then from Z to A, I know HELLISH but I accepted them as punishment for my sins until Tasha, the first one to happen at school or even outside of my house because I did not have any friends at school, no one knew about my seizures till then Travis kept it a secret , I did not ask him to but he knew that was my story to tell. Travis was a true brother to me

Following Tasha my parents pulled me out of school, had multiple lectures come teach me at home and paid for a medical team to be with me 24/7 they wrote paragraphs in their clipboards every time I wiggle a finger , there was probably a huge payout for whoever could figure out what was wrong with me but honestly none of them could've seen the wilting flower that was my soul .

Chapter 5: The itching

Another 3 months went by, since switching to the home schooling and having fewer triggers I have been getting better, less seizures and have been able to write my Final exams peacefully, I even read the bible at one point but I still was afraid to pray and ask for forgiveness myself instead I waited for Travis .Since the start of the seizures. I have sleeping in my parents' room, Snug between them , my dad always rested a third of his body weight onto me and my mom placed her palm on my chest It was comforting and stopped the night sweats and vomiting until last week when I dreamt of fire engulfing me but I did not care I was screaming at someone for something, reaching out my hand , At first I thought my soul was being tormented in hell but I kept having the dream it was more vivid each time, I slowly saw that I wasn't reaching for something, I was extending my hand out to guide someone to me but I could not see who it was, my first guess would be Travis I probably do not want to suffer my own punishment alone, the dream itself was weird but the weirdest thing was when I woke up I felt an itch all over my body but I could never scratch it cause while I could feel it ever so vividly I knew it was not on my body, Was I itching to burn for my sins? Who did I want to burn with me.

Before I knew the year was over, I was really hoping to start anew maybe tell Travis the truth, he would understand ,right? We've been friends for 13 years, he knows me, he'll know I did not mean it, right? I mean besides it's just mice or rat, rodents it's not like I killed a man while I contemplate the itch hits me in waves even though I knew it was not on my body I dig my nail into my skin, clawing at it constantly with no satisfaction but I couldn't stop shuffling from my face to arms to torso to leg to feet to my back then my face again even when my nails stained red I couldn't stop cause the more I clawed the worse it got, I thought of suicide but I knew where I'd go and was afraid it'd somehow be worse I took a double dosage of melatonin and went off to bed and had that dream again but now I was asleep long enough to get answers

. I was not the one burning, Kay was and he was extending his hand out to me , but not to pull me into the fire , he wanted me to pull him out of the fire I put him in when I burned his books, there was no hell, at least not yet , I was too far to hear what he was saying but I could read his lips "A psychopath is defined lacking empathy, remorse, and conscience" I understood him, I remembered that " I want to be a psychopath "

Chapter 6: Meet KAY

As soon as he woke up, Kay felt like he had to kill A, she was the last of the mice but she wouldn't be as easy because for the past 6 months the family and help had recognized her as a pet , she was pampered ,fed 4 times a day , washed twice even got sent to the Vet once to check her broken hind leg but she had to go, she was nothing more then a rodent and as long as she was alive she represented an incomplete transformation , Kay gets on his feet and notices a note right next to his bottle of melatonin " I know you killed the other 4 mice and I know why" reading the note Kay shined a smile " I really hope I didn't write this myself "

Sociopath VS psychopaths

“ ‘ Do you know the difference between a sociopath and psychopath, people often view these words as interchangeable but no there is a line, a thin one but a line nonetheless actually it might not be all that thin once you think about it, Sociopaths are impulsive and irresponsible but we are more calculated, have more self control and that’s why we blend so much better but ironically the term psychopath is more commonly thrown around then sociopath maybe because of how it rolls off the tongue but while sociopaths make up 4% of the population, psychopaths are only 1%, you won’t believe how many documented psychopaths are actually just misdiagnosed sociopaths ,it actually makes me sick and let me not even think of the posers ,believe it or not there are more psychopaths in the workforce then in Jail..yeah..CEOs, Lawyers ,surgeons , police officers especially and surprisingly salesperson and chef, that’s because psychopaths are not necessarily violent honestly the simplest definition of a psychopath is someone displaying antisocial behaviors with no sign of empathy but don’t get it twisted we can’t all be psychopaths, it’s also genetic in every legitimate psychopath there’s an underdeveloped part of the brain responsible for emotions and….’ Kay monologues staring into the mirror while the face looking back at him was his, the eyes were held up differently like they were not reflecting his but instead trying to imitate them, Kay turns away from the mirror to check the time ‘ 9 pm ‘ the help at his house usually left around 8 and the next shift comes around at 5 the next morning , for this 9 hour window he was truly free technically a “ do not disturb “ sign or exclamation would give him the same freedom but that would arose suspicion of course they’d probably think he was masturbating, they couldn’t really deduce the innocent twerp they watch grow up was slowly falling into insanity + he was around that age of self-discovery but he chose to use the 8-5 window because ‘ Psychopaths are more active at night ‘ .”

“Kay opens his closet door and pulls out a large whiteboard on it were small pictures of the entire staff held up by magnets, there were 25 in total and they were all suspects in the case of who knew he killed 4 mice before A , he took off six pictures and slid them in a shredder ‘ Too Stupid, they would’ve asked for something immediately to keep my secret’ he took another 10 and shredded them ‘ Loose lips, Couldn’t have kept quiet this long ‘ and finally he removes 1 ‘ Too smart, would’ve minded his business ‘ with that elimination he had 8 suspects left , he lingered over the picture of Travis’s mom for a moment then silently removed it as well he cross referenced the remaining 7 with who was on duty the night and morning of the killing ‘ but I was so careful, did everything myself even cleanup and disposal plus I did after hours’ ‘ The help was gone, my family?’”

Travis

“The alarm rings , Travis slams it quiet, sliding out of his bed , he marches into the kitchen…well…actually Travis lived in a small house like a really small house his bedroom, kitchen and even living room was one room divided only by the furniture because he lived in the box houses the government provided . Travis fries three eggs and 2 sausages , divides them into two plates than carries them back to his bed on the opposite side of which he crawled out was his mom , he shakes her up , hands her a plate and sits on her side of the bed while she sat up ‘ I might be home late, we’re going to see a movie then maybe practicing electronics ‘ .”,

“ I woke up to a gentle knock on the day, I assume it was one of the maids assigned to dress me for the day, I honestly did not realize I had fallen asleep , Last thing I remember was going through the staff shift plans from the day I bought the mice and when I killed the last one, I didn’t get much out of that because of the large time period INFUIATING . Anyway I slide the whiteboard with the remaining suspects closet then open the door in the same motion I was turning away from the door, to the shower ‘ I’d like an outfit more Travis-ish , I’ll be with him for most of the day ‘ “’Okay’ Travis responded